I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
