Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
