I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
