I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
