I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
