I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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