IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it's like heaven, but drunker
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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