I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
