All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
