I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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