I just saw a hot homeless man
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
