You're a womanizer and a bitch.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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