they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
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well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
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Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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