she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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