yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
