Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
