If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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