Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
