I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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