it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
