Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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