nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i came on her dog
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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