I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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