i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
