Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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