Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
