there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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