I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
