history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
