Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Randomize
