the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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