im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
