they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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