also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
