The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
