dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
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I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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