My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.