2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.