That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?