i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
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Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.