i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
