Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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