I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You have to summon your inner elephant
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
