i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
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We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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