Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
