Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The beer is more important than you right now.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
