Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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