Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
