I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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