8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Boobs speak an international language.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
