I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Please don't give away my fajitas
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
