I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
