my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
