Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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