OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize