OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
