listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize