I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
