it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
