could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
