i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
