Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
