I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
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Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.