Apparently you make a good broom.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.